


i want your midnights (and i will hold onto you)

by wnnbh12



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28470198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wnnbh12/pseuds/wnnbh12
Summary: “Happy New Year, Chris.”“Happy New Year, Tobs.”
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 27
Kudos: 358





	i want your midnights (and i will hold onto you)

**Author's Note:**

> please forgive me bc this is barely edited. i've had way too much champagne to take it seriously. let me know if there's anything ridiculously wrong (what-a-gust and whatname0523, i'm looking at you). it took me 3 attempts to upload, so hopefully i did it right
> 
> title is from the tswift song 'new year's day'. i've had 10% of this writtn ever since reputation came out and finally managed to write the rest in the last two days
> 
> happy new year everyone, fuck 2020

**DECEMBER 31st, 1997**

Christen is nine years old when she falls in love with New Year’s Eve.

It’s the first time her parents let her stay up until midnight to watch the west coast celebrations instead of having to go to sleep at 9:00pm after watching the ball drop in New York City. (Technically they let her stay up late last year too, but she ended up falling asleep just after 9:30pm, so that doesn’t count.)

This year though, she’s determined to stay awake until midnight. She even invites over four of her best friends for a sleepover so they can all stay up together. Really though, even at nine, Christen is almost grossly competitive and knows watching her friends start to drift off early will only motivate her more to stay awake.

Her plan works pretty well.

Tegan falls asleep just before 10:00pm, and Cristina follows shortly after, sprawled out side-by-side in matching pink sleeping bags on the floor in Christen’s basement. Sierra puts up a good fight, but she’s out by 11:30pm, leaving just Christen and Tobin awake.

Christen prepared for this. She stayed up until after 11:00pm last night (pretending to be asleep when her mom checked on her) and she slept as late as she possibly could this morning until she was practically dragged out of bed by her mother and accused of being lazy. She didn’t care, though. There was no way she was missing the midnight celebrations this year.

She’s seen her parents getting dressed up to go to New Year’s parties in years prior, always bubbling with excitement and sipping champagne as they get ready. She’s been woken up in the early morning when she’s heard them stumbling in before, giggling softly as they try (and fail) to not wake up their daughters. She’s heard the joy in their voices even as they whisper to each other as they pass by her room, reminiscing on the events of the evening.

New Year’s Eve has always felt so magical to her, a fresh start and she’s determined to learn just what it’s all about this year.

She took almost a little too much joy in watching her friends fall asleep early. Pride flooded her chest knowing she was able to outlast them.

Honestly though, she’s glad Tobin is still awake with her. She wants to be able to share this night with someone else.

Christen isn’t surprised Tobin manages to stay up. Tobin is basically just a scrawny, bright eyed ball of energy who very rarely is able to actually stay still. Even in her sleep, she tosses and turns and kicks out. Christen usually wakes up with little bruises on her legs when Tobin sleeps over and they share a bed, but she doesn’t mind.

Tobin is her absolute best friend. Their cubbies were next to each other in preschool and they’ve been inseparable ever since. There’s no one else she would rather spend her first _real_ New Year’s Eve with.

Once all their friends are asleep, Christen and Tobin move upstairs to the living room so they don’t disturb them. Christen’s parents are already upstairs asleep, the excitement of the holiday having worn off at this point. They probably assumed Christen and her friends would already be asleep by now, so they didn’t bother staying awake to supervise. Christen feels even more pride being able to outlast her parents too. Her older sister, Tyler, is at her friend's house and Christen's sure she's awake too, but she's hoping she even stayed awake longer than Tyler did.

They turn on the TV, but keep it on mute--completely uninterested in the rock band that her parents grew up listening to as they perform up until midnight. Instead, they talk about their New Year’s resolutions.

It’s something Tobin learned about from her older sister, Katie. Apparently they’re supposed to make a promise to themselves about something they intend to do this year.

Tobin instantly says she resolves to get called up to the U-11 travel soccer team instead of the U-9s. She says she knows she’s good enough and she wants to prove it to their coaches.

Christen is dazzled. She’s never heard someone speak with such clear, unwavering confidence before. It sparks something in her chest and makes her take her time with her answer until she has something that makes her speak as proudly as Tobin.

She tells her she resolves to get all As this semester in school. It might not seem like much, and really fourth grade doesn’t matter that much in the long run, but the way Tobin smiles softly tells Christen she knows exactly how much this means to her. She knows how much Christen struggles in school and how much harder she has to work on topics the other kids get so easily. More times than she can count, Tobin has woken up in the middle of the night during a sleepover at Christen’s and found her hunched over at her desk doing practice math problems. And _every single time_ , Tobin has dragged herself out of bed to sit next to Christen and helped her through the tougher problems.

Yeah, Tobin definitely knows how important this is to Christen.

“You’ll do it,” Tobin says, without the slightest hint of doubt in her voice. “I know you will.”

Christen has never believed something so strongly, never had so much faith in the words of another person in her entire life. She _knows_ she won’t let Tobin down.

She won’t let herself down.

Christen is mesmerized, lost in Tobin’s bright, crooked grin when she sees a flash of light on the screen. They both look up and see the giant megatron clock on the screen start to count the seconds down from 10.

They trade off saying the remaining few seconds and when they finally get to 0 and confetti starts raining down on the TV screen, Christen feels a surge of something she’s never known flood through her chest. She doesn’t have a name for it yet, isn’t sure how she would even begin to describe it honestly. But when she finally tears her eyes away from the screen and looks over at Tobin, she finds her best friend still smiling at her, not bothered at all by whatever’s happening on the screen.

Looking at Tobin in that moment, she feels that same flood of that nameless emotion. But this time, her chest just about overflows with it.

“Happy New Year, Chris.” Tobin’s words are whispered, like she feels how special this moment is too and wants to make sure it’s kept only between the two of them, despite everyone else in the house being asleep.

“Happy New Year, Tobs,” Christen repeats in the same tone.

Tobin yawns then. She tries to stifle it as best she can, but it doesn’t work. Christen just smiles softly and reaches for the remote to turn the TV off. Then, she takes Tobin’s hand and stands up, pulling Tobin along as well so she can lead them back down to the basement and they can get to sleep.

Well, so Tobin can get to sleep at least. Christen is more awake than she’s felt all day. Her skin is humming with some sort of anxious energy that makes her hands shake on top of her sleeping bag until she wedges them under her back to make them stop.

It frustrated her beyond belief, not being able to describe the way she’s feeling. She stares up at the ceiling and feels the exact same way she does when she’s in a classroom taking a test. It’s like somewhere deep down, she knows the answer, but she can’t for the life of her figure it out so she looks up as if all the answers will be written out for her up above. Like always though, the ceiling tells her nothing.

Suddenly, she feels Tobin kick out at her in her sleep, jabbing her toes into Christen’s thigh. Christen looks over at her friend and laughs lightly. She’s barely been asleep for 30 minutes, but her hair is already a mess around her face, which is barely visible from where she’s burrowed into her sleeping bag. All her limbs are sprawled out in different directions and she’s pushing the seams of her sleeping bag to the absolute limits. Christen is amused at how even in her sleep, Tobin is barely able to contain all the energy she possesses into the confines of her body.

She won't figure out that unnamed emotion until four years later, but New Year’s Eve isn’t the only thing she fell in love with that night.

xxx

**DECEMBER 31st, 2006**

Christen has only ever been truly drunk once before tonight. Over Thanksgiving when Tyler was home from college, they hid out in the basement with a couple of Tyler’s friends after their parents had gone to bed early. Tyler poured her drinks until she was well and truly drunk.

That night had been fun. She’s become so much closer with Tyler since they’ve gotten older, so the lowered inhibitions allowed the to gossip and sing and laugh and dance without a care in the world. She enjoyed herself that night immensely.

Tonight though, tonight being drunk makes her miserable.

She feels sick to her stomach and so dizzy she’s barely standing. She wishes she could blame it on something as simple as drinking on an empty stomach or not drinking enough water between shots, but she’s way too careful for that.

Really, it’s not even the alcohol that’s making her feel sick. It’s just the culprit for knocking her defenses down so that her brain has free reign to torment her.

That doesn’t stop her from taking another long gulp of her beer as she watches Tobin lean in to whisper something in her date’s ear that causes the girl to obnoxiously giggle. Christen practically gags. No one laughs like that for real. No one. This girl does, along with every other girl Tobin’s flirted with this year.

Tobin came out in the spring at the end of their junior year. No one was really surprised, least of all Christen. She spent this past summer bouncing around from practically every girl in their school district who was interested in girls. That is, every girl except Christen, who still hasn’t mentioned her feelings to Tobin--hasn’t even accepted them herself, really.

Christen is usually pretty good at controlling her jealousy, but for some reason she just _can’t_ handle it tonight.

Every touch, every laugh, every smile Tobin shares with this girl (Christen forgot her name as soon as she heard it), grinds away at Christen’s control over her emotions until they’re running wild, completely unhindered.

It shouldn’t be having this sort of effect on her considering every romantic gesture between the two of them is matched by Christen’s boyfriend, but she can’t help it.

She likes Aiden, she _really_ does. He’s cute, smart, sweet and his eyes are the brightest blue Christen has ever seen. He’s kind to everyone and such a good boyfriend to her. Aiden is great. Aiden isn’t the problem, though. Christen’s feelings for Aiden aren’t even the problem.

Christen knows her feelings for Aiden are real. Despite being pretty sure she’s been in love with her best friend for the last eight years, her feelings for guys have never changed. She’s always been attracted to them, she’s just a little more attracted to Tobin.

That’s the problem, though. Tobin is the only girl Christen has ever been attracted to, so it can be a little hard to accept those feelings are real. If Tobin is the only girl she likes, then maybe she doesn’t actually have feelings about her at all outside of friendship. Maybe she just really loves Tobin a lot, but isn’t actually _in love_ with her. Maybe Tobin just has her cast under her charming spell like everyone else who’s ever met her.

Something buried deep inside Christen’s head tells her that’s not true, though.

“Christen,” she suddenly hears near her ear before Aiden kisses the side of her head gently. It’s said with slight exasperation, like he’s had to say her name multiple times to get her attention. When she turns to him though, the crooked grin on his face tells her he thinks it’s cute how dazed she is.

“Sorry,” Christen says with a sheepish smile. “What were you saying?”

“You have a little under ten minutes until midnight. Shouldn’t you go find Tobin?”

It takes her a minute to realize why he’s asking her that. Of course _she_ knows why she should find her--they’ve shared their New Year’s resolutions with each other every year for the last eight years--she just doesn’t know why Aiden is bringing it up. She assumes she must have mentioned it to him at some point and just doesn’t remember. Of course he remembers. He’s so damn attentive.

“Y-yeah. You--you’re right,” she stammers out. “Yeah, I’ll go get her, thanks.” She gives him as bright of a smile she can manage in her drunken haze. It doesn’t take a ton of effort, she always smiles so easily around him.

“Of course. You better come find me at midnight so I can give you your New Year’s kiss,” he says with a wink.

“Don’t worry,” Christen grins, stepping towards him and falling against his chest as little too easily due to her alcohol-impaired balance. “I’ll be back soon.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.” He kisses her forehead and points her in the direction he last saw Tobin as if Christen hasn’t been keeping close tabs on her all night.

She fights through the crowd of people until she makes it to the kitchen where Tobin’s holed up, playing amateur bartender for an adoring crowd. She clearly has no idea what she’s doing, just flipping cups around in the air (which are _thankfully_ plastic considering how many she’s dropped) and pouring random amounts of liquid from various bottles into them.

Even when Tobin’s behavior is ridiculous and she’s so obviously trying to get a rise out of people, Christen still loves her.

The thing about Tobin is Christen finds her absolutely staggering. Her laugh, her smile, her carefree outlook on life, her unflinching desire to help those she loves, her _eyes_ , Christen is affected by all of it. She lost track sometime five years ago how many times Tobin causes her to lose her breath. She’s just so intoxicating. Tobin knocks Christen off her feet more than alcohol ever has.

Christen just stands in the doorway adoring Tobin for a moment until she must feel Christen watching her because she looks up to meet her eyes and grins.

That’s the thing about Tobin, she always finds Christen just as easily as Christen find her. Even in a crowd full of people, it only takes Tobin a moment to locate Christen in the mess. She’s drawn to her.

It doesn’t do much to help ward off Christen’s feelings for her.

Tobin takes a quick glance at the watch on her wrist and then shoves the solo cups and bottle of alcohol she’s holding into the arms of the person closest to her. Everyone groans when they realize she’s leaving, but she easily placates them with promises to return soon.

When Tobin kisses her date quickly, it makes Christen’s stomach drop, but then she makes a beeline right for her and has a huge, cheek splitting smile on her face, so Christen gets over the jealously quickly.

“Let’s go make some resolutions, best friend,” Tobin says before planting a tispy kiss on Christen’s cheek. She takes her hand and weaves her way through everyone until they’re on the back porch.

It’s a chill night for LA, so they’re the only ones out here and Christen is infinitely grateful. She doesn’t want to have to fight for Tobin’s attention with everyone else hoping for their five minutes with her. Tobin has always willingly given her attention to Christen and Christen never actually _has_ to fight for it, but no one else knows that.

“Sorry, I wanted to get out here earlier, but it’s been a wild night,” Tobin says.

“Yeah, it seems like you’ve really been having fun,” Christen replies, trying to keep the jealous edge out of her voice.

“Oh yeah, I have,” Tobin laughs, going through a mental rewind of everything that’s happened tonight. Her eyebrows scrunch together for a moment and she gives Christen a concerned look. “Have you been having an okay night? I haven’t seen you much.”

Christen barely swallows all the words her drunken mind is trying to force her to say. Instead she says, “yeah, it’s been all right. I just don’t feel the greatest so I’ve been lying kinda low with Aiden.”

Tobin looks like she almost doesn’t believe Christen, but she lets it go. “Oh, Aiden,” Tobin sighs. “I know I’ve told you this, but I really like that dude. He’s not a gross pig like all the other guys we know. He’s really a good one.”

“Yeah, he’s great,” Christen agrees. “And what about you? You’ve got a good one too,” she says, hoping she plays off the fact she doesn’t know her date’s name well enough for Tobin not to notice. She doesn’t really know the girl enough to make that judgement, but she seemed nice enough when they met and it seems like the appropriate thing to say.

Christen can’t tell if the blush in Tobin’s cheeks is from the alcohol she’s consumed or the mention of her date, but Christen tells herself it’s the former. That sits so much better on her already uneasy stomach.

“Yeah, Elena is awesome. I really, really like her,” Tobin gushes. “Enough about our lovers, though. We have less than five minutes for resolutions. Want to go first?”

Christen considers saying no, shaking her head and letting Tobin take the lead, but she lets her drunken mind gain power for just a moment. Instead of staling, she says, “I resolve to be more honest with myself this year.”

Tobin tilts her head in confusion. “Honest about what?”

Christen could get a jumpstart on her resolution. She could tell Tobin the only thing she really needs to be honest about is her feelings for her. She could tell her she’s in love with her.

She stops herself, though. She has a whole year to make this resolution come true. She doesn’t need to start just yet. Besides, she needs to start by being honest with herself about her sexuality. The Tobin stuff she can deal with later. She needs to figure out herself first.

“Just everything,” Christen says with a shrug. “I just want to stop lying to myself in general, not really about anything in particular.” Just as Tobin opens her mouth to ask another question, Christen asks, “what about you? What’s your resolution?”

Tobin hesitates, like she wants to question Christen further, but she shakes her head and forgets about it. “I resolve to stop saying ‘yes’ so much,” Tobin says. “I stretched myself really thin this year with extracurriculars and picking up extra shifts at work, and honestly doing some really stupid shit I shouldn’t have done just because I wanted to impress people or make them happy. I want to start considering myself a little more before I do things, take care of myself more.” She sighs and puffs out a tiny cloud of steam. “I don’t know, maybe that sounds stupid and selfish.”

“Hey, stop it,” Christen reaches out and grabs Tobin’s hand. “You do so much for others. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look out for yourself a little more. Focus on taking care of yourself for a little while, then worry about taking care of others.”

Tobin smiles a little shyly, and then squeezes Christen’s hand. “Thank you,” she says softly. “You know, I thought your resolution would’ve been being valedictorian,” she adds after a moment.

“I don’t need to make a resolution for something I already have locked down tight,” Christen says proudly.

She’s worked so hard on her studies and overcome all the challenges she’s faced. And it worked. She’s been top of their class all four years of high school. She owes a lot of that to Tobin. She’s always been up for helping her study, even if it’s at 3:00 the morning the day off an exam. She couldn’t have done it without her.

Before Tobin can say anything else, they hear everyone start counting down inside.

Christen doesn’t know what to do next. Should she stay out here with Tobin for the countdown or go back inside to find Aiden? Their tradition for the past eight years has been to share this moment together, but maybe that’s just because they’ve never had anyone to share a New Year’s kiss with before. They didn’t talk about this beforehand.

Again, Christen doesn’t get the chance to say anything because Tobin is squeezing her hand and looking right at her as she joins in on the countdown. They aren’t going anywhere. This is their moment, it always has been and it always will be.

Christen joins in on the countdown too and they alternate numbers until the crowd inside erupts in cheers of, “Happy New Year!”

Tobin grins and says, “Happy New Year, Chris.”

“Happy New Year, Tobin.”

Tobin leans up to place a quick kiss on Christen’s cheek and then she drops her hand. “I’m going to go find Elena.” Tobin holds open the door for Christen as they head inside. 

Elena finds Tobin within seconds and wraps her arms around her neck. “Happy New Year, baby,” she shouts too loudly before she kisses Tobin.

Christen thinks she may be sick. Never before has she been so jealous. This is _their_ holiday, hers and Tobin’s. _She_ wants to be the one to kiss Tobin. She wants to be able to celebrate this holiday, their holiday, the way she’s always wanted to.

Luckily, she only gets to torture herself by watching Tobin kiss Elena for a couple seconds before someone is spinning her around with two strong hands on her hips.

She, thankfully, realizes it’s Aiden right before he pulls her in and kisses her sweetly. “Happy New Year, babe,” he whispers against her lips before kissing her a second time.

Christen closes her eyes and forces herself to be present for this kiss. She likes Aiden. She knows she does. He makes her heart race and gives her butterflies and she can’t stop thinking about him when they’re apart.

She likes him.

But if she can admit that, then she needs to admit she likes Tobin too. She feels all those same things and more towards Tobin.

She loves her.

She mentally berrates herself for thinking of Tobin while she’s kissing Aiden. She makes herself focus on the moment and enjoy the way he’s making her feel.

After all, she has a whole year to work on her resolution.

Why rush to figure it out now?

xxx

**DECEMBER 31st, 2008**

Going a little over two months without seeing Tobin is absolutely tortuous.

Tobin recently moved into a new apartment in Seattle, so her family went to visit her for Thanksgiving instead of her coming home to LA. Christen thought about going too, but it’s her mom’s favorite holiday so she didn’t want to miss it.

For Christmas, Tobin’s family all met up in Philadelphia at her grandparents’ house. She hadn’t been there in years and was so excited about it, but Christen was upset to extend their time apart even more.

Once a month since college started, they’ve seen each other. Either Christen goes up to Seattle or Tobin comes down to Portland. They always make it a point to see each other. But finals this year were such a struggle for them both that they weren’t able to swing it and they knew it was for the best, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t suck.

And it _really_ sucked.

“Just one more week until I get to see your pretty face,” Tobin tells her on the phone on Christmas Eve.

Christen knows Tobin doesn’t mean it the way she wants her to, but for a few moments she closes her eyes and pretends she does.

They’re sophomores in college and Christen is still just as in love with Tobin as she’s always been. But now she’s accepted it.

She’s also accepted she’s bisexual.

Her parents and sisters accepted it as well when she came out to them. The few girls she’s hooked up with at school _definitely_ accepted it.

She hasn’t come out to Tobin yet, though. It’s not something she wants to do over the phone and she got too nervous to do it when they were together Halloween weekend. They only had 35 hours together and she wanted to enjoy them without having to worry about that.

She knows Tobin won’t care, obviously, but it scares her. She was nervous with her family, but they’re so liberal and open minded she knew it would be okay.

With Tobin, though, she’s worried aboutTobin knowing there’s the possibility of Christen being attracted to her. So long as Tobin thinks she’s straight, all the flirting and affection they show each other is strictly platonic. When Tobin finds out she’s attracted to girls, she’s afraid things will change between them. They’ll still be best friends, that will never change, but the dynamic could change.

She knows she’s probably being paranoid and overthinking things, but even the possibility of things changing between them scares her so much she forgets to breathe sometimes.

She’s telling her tonight, though.

She promised herself she would. She has a particular resolution she’s making his year and she can’t make it in front of Tobin unless she comes out to her first.

She promises herself it will happen tonight.

*************

“Oh my god, Chris!” Tobin shrieks in the middle of the baggage terminal the second she spots Christen.

She’s still halfway up the escalator, but she forces her way down as quickly as she can, ignoring the complaints she gets from the people she shoves past. Once on the ground, she runs towards Christen and throws her arms around her.

Christen holds on tightly, breathing in the scent of Tobin’s rose and mint shampoo. It sends her heart into overdrive. She can’t believe how much she’s missed her. Well, she _can_ , but she can’t believe she’s made it this long without her.

Dammit, she’s so in love with her.

“Oh my god, I’ve missed you so damn much,” Tobin says against her neck, the words and her warm breath tingling all the way down Christen’s spine.

“I’ve missed you too, Tobs. So much,” Christen says.

Tobin pulls away with a big grin on her face. Her ponytail is loose, with wispy baby hairs sticking up all around her face, but her eyes are bright and she’s just as beautiful as Christen has always thought.

“Happy two days ago birthday,” Tobin says, handing her a brown paper bag. “It’s the best I could find at the airport bakery.”

Christen grins as she takes the bag, opening it and seeing a cupcake with bright green frosting. Despite being in a plastic container inside the bag, it’s still a little smooshed, but Christen’s heart flutters at the gesture.

“Thank you, Tobin,” she says sincerely.

“Your real present was shipped to my parents’ house, so can we swing by at some point?”

“I told you not to get me anything,” Christen starts, but Tobin jumps in before she can continue.

“Yeah, and I told you there’s no way in hell I wouldn’t be getting you a present,” Tobin says like it was ridiculous to ask her not to in the first place. “My parents are staying in Philadelphia the rest of the week, so I’m all yours for the next four days. Is it cool if I crash at your place? I hate being home alone.”

The idea of sleeping next to Tobin for the next four nights scares her and thrills her all at the same time. But of course, she can’t say ‘no’ to her.

“Yeah, definitely. I’d be offended if you stayed anywhere else,” she says.

Tobin rolls her eyes playfully. “Yeah, like that would ever happen. I just asked so you’d think had a choice. Even if you said no, I’d just crash on the couch in your living room. Your parents love me, they’d never turn me away.”

Tobin throws her arm around Christen’s shoulder and steers them towards her baggage carousel. Once she finds her bag and they’re headed back towards Christen’s car, she asks, “you ready to celebrate the best day of the whole year? Aside from my birthday, of course.”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Christen says with a laugh she hopes doesn’t come across as nervous.

It’s enough of an answer to appease Tobin and also voice her thoughts exactly. She doesn’t know if she’s ready for tonight or not, but she knows there’s no way she could possibly be any more ready. There’s no more time left to prepare, so she has to be ready because it’s going to happen. 

She promised herself it would.

*************

They end up at Aiden’s party tonight.

He and Christen had an amicable break up at the end of their senior year. He goes to school in Florida and Christen stayed in California, so they agreed the distance would be too much. They wanted to go into college without any ties. They’re still close friends and if one day they end up back together, then they would be happy with it.

Christen knows she’ll always love him.

But she also knows she’ll never love him the way she should.

It’s a great party. Aiden’s family has money and he has twin brothers two years older than him that help supply the alcohol. His parents are frequently out of town for business, which leaves the house available for parties. Not that it would matter if they were home because they’re so lenient. 

Christen is having a good time and she’s thoroughly tipsy less than two hours in, but she’s pacing herself. She’ll need liquid courage for tonight, but she doesn’t want to be drunk. She and Tobin stayed together for a while once they first got there, but Tobin split off a few minutes ago to catch up with soe of her old soccer teammates.

Christen hates to see Tobin go. After two months apart, she selfishly wants Tobin attached to her hip for the rest of the night. She doesn’t want to have to share her with anyone. She knows that would be ridiculous though, and would probably give her feelings away, so she lets her go.

She misses her, though. Even from just halfway across the house, she misses her.

“You up for defending our Thanksgiving break beer pong championship title?”

Christen turns around from where she’s been posted by the snack table and sees Aiden grinning at her. She saw him briefly when she first got here, but he was busy playing host so she let him go.

“That depends, are you actually going to carry your weight this time or am I going to need to be a star again?” Christen teases.

Aiden laughs and scratches at his jaw, which is finally covered in a decent beard he spent all of high school trying to grow. “Wow, you’re really going to play me like that, huh?” Aiden shakes his head and steps forward to wrap Christen up in a tight hug. “Gosh, I’ve missed you, babe. Even though you’re seriously so mean to me.”

“I’m just trying to shame you into doing well,” Christen says as she pulls away. “I’ve missed you too, A.”

“Prove it to me. Let’s go crush it.”

“Lead the way,” Christen tells him, stepping under his outstretched arm so it lays across her shoulders.

“And for the record, you’ve always been a star. The rest of us don’t stand a chance,” Aiden says, kissing the side of her head.

Three rounds into beer pong and they’ve handily beat all three opponents. They always did make a good team.

Tobin finds her halfway through their fourth game. “No surprise you’re killing it, champ.” Tobin places a smacking kiss on her cheek and leans against her, needing the support in her mildly drunken state.

“I try my best,” Christen says. She doesn’t miss the look Aiden shoots her out of the corner of his eye, but she isn’t sure what it means.

“You don’t even have to try. You’re just that good.” She steps away so Christen can taker her shot and throws her arms up in celebration when she sinks it perfectly. “Just over 30 minutes until midnight, come find me outside when you’re done with this round?”

“Don’t worry, we’ll crush this in no time,” Aiden says, throwing an arm around Christen’s shoulders. “You can have her for your ritual soon.”

“Awesome, thanks dude.” She squeezes his arm and then Christen’s. “I’ll see you soon, buddy.”

Once Tobin is a safe distance away, Aiden leans in a little closer and whispers in Christen’s ear, “so when are you going to tell Tobin you’re madly in love with her?”

Christen jerks her head back to look at Aiden. His tone was lighthearted, but his face gives nothing away, so Christen can’t tell if he’s joking or not. Aside from her parents and sisters, he’s the only person from back home she’s come out to. She felt a little guilty telling him before Tobin, but she needed someone who knows her as well as he does to talk with about this.

He’s been completely supportive of her sexuality and told her he wasn’t really all that surprised. He always had his suspicions, but it didn’t bother him and he wanted her to come to terms with this on her own, so he never asked about it. It’s been great having him to talk to.

She hasn’t said anything to him about her feelings for Tobin though, so she isn’t sure where this is coming from.

“What are you talking about?” Christen asks.

Aiden grins like he’s been let in on a secret and lines up his next shot. He sinks it without hardly looking at th cup and then turns back to Christen with her ping pong ball in his open hand. “When are you just going to accept I know you better than you think I do?”

Christen takes the ball with a shaky hand, nervous for being called out, and takes her shot quickly. It hits the rim of the cup and then falls to the floor. She could’ve ended the game if she made the shot, knowing Aiden would make the last one, but she couldn’t care less about that right now.

She looks up at Aiden and the expecting look he’s giving her tells her not to even bother lying because it will be a a waste of both their time.

She sighs and lets her shoulders fall in defeat. “How long have you known?”

“I’ve always known,” he shrugs. “How do you think I figured out you were bi before you told me? I always saw the way you looked at her. You never looked at me like that.”

Christen’s heart breaks a little knowing Aiden ever questioned her love for him. She starts to say something back, but he holds up a hand to stop her. 

“Lets finish the game and then we’ll talk.”

Christen hits her next shot and Aiden does as well, ending the game without giving their opponents a chance to rebuttal. Despite being on a win streak, they concede their title and talk away from the table instead of continuing. Aiden takes her hand and leads her down the hall to a quieter area. Before he’s even closed the door to his mom’s study, Christen starts the conversation.

“Aiden, you know I truly loved you, right? I promise I did. I probably always will.”

“I know,” Aiden says without hesitating. “It’s why I never said anything in high school. I was happy with how things were. You were always so good to me, we were good together. I think we just outgrew it. The way you love me was good for high school, but distance isn’t the only reason we broke up. I’m not the person you’re meant to be with. I think we both know who the right person is.”

Christen scoffs and shakes her head. “She doesn’t feel the same way.”

Aiden laughs and leans back against the door, seeming exasperated. “You know, Chris, I’ve always told you how smart I think you are. But you’re being really stupid about this.”

Before Christen can even complain at the insult of plead her defense, Aiden continues.

“I know that was rude, but I said it because you need to hear it. Christen, you’re so deep in this and you’re too afraid you can’t even see what’s right in front of you. Tobin loves you just as much as you love her.”

Christen lets out a laugh, “you’re crazy.”

“Maybe about some things, but not about this. I’m telling you, she loves you. I see how you look at her and I see the way she looks at you.”

Christen plops down in the desk chair in defeat. “She doesn’t even know I’m into girls.”

“Then tell her!” Aiden exclaims like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “I know you’re scared, I get that, but you’re making this so much harder than it needs to be. All this could be solved with a few words.”

Christen closes her eyes and breathes slowly until she wards away her tears. “I can’t lose her,” she says after a few quiet moments.

“Why are you so sure you will?”

“Because maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she does love me back, but if there’s even the slightest chance she doesn’t and if I could lose her because of it, I can’t take that chance. I’d rather things stay the way they are than run the risk of losing everything.”

“That’s noble, it really is, but it’s also incredibly selfish.”

Christen looks at him incredulously. “How could that possibly be selfish?”

“Because you’re denying Tobin a chance at something really wonderful because you can’t just talk to her. You’re lying to her and you’re lying to yourself and it isn’t fair to either of you. You’re the most incredible girl I’ve ever met, Christen. Denying Tobin the chance of being with you is honestly rude as fuck. Coming from someone who’s actually been with you, I think I know what I’m talking about,” he laughs.

Christen manages a small smile, but it quickly fades. “I’m so scared,” she finally admits aloud. “I love her and I’m so scared she doesn’t love me back.” She can’t stop the first couple tears from falling at her admission.

“I know. That’s okay,” he says softly. He walks across the room and kneels down in front of her. “Look, I’m not saying you need to go tell her right this second. I’m just saying, I think you should work on getting to the point where you can tell her.”

Christen knows he’s right. She knows it isn’t fair to either of them to keep carrying on the way things are while she’s hiding this huge secret. She needs to be honest.

But she also knows she isn’t ready. Not yet.

“I’ll work on it,” she relents.

“That’s all I’m asking.” Aiden smiles and reaches up to wipe away her tears. “Now go find your girl and make your resolutions.”

Christen lets out a water laugh. She forgot for a few minutes it was New Year’s Eve. This is her favorite holiday, she shouldn’t spend it crying to her ex boyfriend about being in love with her best friend.

“You know, you’re a pretty good guy, Aiden Brooks.”

“Yeah, I know,” he says with a confident smirk. “I’m glad you finally figured that out.” He pulls Christen up out of her seat and hugs her tightly. “Get out of here, babe.”

Christen kisses his cheek and then heads towards the door. Before leaving, she turns back and tells Aiden, “thank you, A.”

“Thank me by telling her how you feel one day soon.”

“I will,” Christen promises.

*************

“There you are!” Tobin grins when Christen finally meets her out on the back deck overlooking the ocean. “I was starting to think you forgot about me.”

“I could never,” Christen says.

“Let’s go down to the beach. It’s quieter down there.” She hands Christen a solo cup full of champagne and leads the way.

Once they’re settled side by side in the sand, Tobin turns towards Christen. “Okay, Chris. It’s eight minutes ‘til midnight. Time for our resolutions.”

Christen takes a long pull of her drink before she speaks. Her conversation with Aiden was sobering, but as soon as the alcohol hits her tongue she feels warm all over and abit like she’s floating, though that may be because of Tobin.

She takes one more sip before she lowers her cup. She’ll need the liquid courage for what she’s going to tell Tobin. She isn’t going to tell her anymore than she was originally planning, nothing like what she was discussing with Aiden, but she’s still nervous and wants the extra boost.

“I’ll go first,” she says. “But I have something to tell you before I say my resolution.”

Tobin cocks and eyebrow behind the rim of her cup. When she brings it down, she’s smiling curiously as she swallows hard. “What’s up?”

“I’m nervous,” Christen admits, a slow, shaky breath puffing out her cheeks following the words.

“You don’t ever need to be nervous with me, Christen,” Tobin says sincerely. She reaches across the space between them and wiggles her fingers until Christen takes her hand.

“I know, but this is big. I’ve been working myself up to this for a while now.”

Something about the way Tobin tilts her head and smiles makes Christen think Tobin has it all figured out. Aiden was totally right about Tobin already knowing she’s into girls, but she’ll never admit that to him.

“Take your time,” Tobin says in a soft voice.

One more sip of champagne.

A tight squeeze to Tobin’s hand. Then she says it.

“I’m bisexual.”

She doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath afterwards until Tobin squeezes her hand and gently says, “Chris, it’s okay.”

Christen finally pulls her eyes away from her shoes and looks over at Tobin. She’s grinning at her like she’s proud, or maybe she’s just happy to be let in on the secret. Either way, she’s dropping Christen’s hand so she can put an arm around her shoulders and pull her into a tight hug.

“You know I’m always going to love you, right? And I’d never judge you for anything. I’m not just saying that because I’m lesbian either. You’re my best friend and nothing is ever going to change that. This won’t chance anything about how I see you.”

Tobin pauses, then continues in a slightly higher pitched voice and Christen just _knows_ a bad joke is coming, but she doesn’t stop it.

“Actually, that’s a lie. Now that I know you’re bi, I find you like ten thousand times more interesting than boring, straight Christen.”

Christen rolls her eyes. “I may have thought I was straight, but I sure as hell was never boring.”

Tobin grins and shrugs her shoulders. “You were all right, I guess.” She glances at her watch to check the time and says, “not to kill the moment, but we only have three minutes to get in these resolutions so…”

“Okay, okay. So pushy,” Christen teases.

She sighs and for once her shoulders don’t feel like they’re carrying a thousand pounds. Granted, they still feel like they’re carrying 500 pounds because she still hasn’t told Tobin how she feels about her, but she’ll take the partial relief.

She got the hard part of this conversation out of the way for tonight. The resolution part will be easy.

“I resolve to have a real relationship with a girl this year, even if it’s just for a couple weeks. I’ve had a few hookups this year, but I want to get the full girlfriend experience now that I’ve finally embraced my sexuality, you know?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Define a few hookups,” Tobin says, only latching onto one piece of information out of all of that.

“You mean like the exact number or do you want the dirty details?”

“Depends how dirty the details.” Tobin waggles her eyebrows until Christen laughs. “But just the number is good too.”

Christen pretends to think about it for a moment even though she already knows exactly what the number is. Because every girl she’s been with is a girl that isn’t Tobin. She hates drawing the comparison, but she can’t help it.

“Four,” she finally says. “Well, technically five, but one was just a drunken makeout and I doubt she remembers because I barely do.”

Tobin scoffs and says, “I can’t believe you realized you were bi and I _wasn’t_ the first girl you kissed. As your gay best friend, I’m seriously offended.” She crosses her arms across her chest to prove her point.

Christen’s heart races at the thought of kissing Tobin, of Tobin kissing her back. It’s all she’s wanted for so long and even if she is just joking, hearing Tobin talk about it switches her heart into overdrive.

She manages to pull herself together and says, “technically you were my very first kiss, guy or girl.”

“We were ten! And we only kissed because Tyler told us you had to have a New Years kiss or it would be bad luck for the whole year.”

Christen remembers that night in perfect detail. She couldn’t stop thinking about it for months afterwards, she just didn’t realize why she was so intrigued by it at the time. She had been so upset the following New Year’s Eve when Tobin didn’t suggest they kiss again, she just didn’t know why.

“ _Still_. You were my first girl kiss, just like you wanted,” Christen insists. That’s something she’ll never forget, so she doesn’t want it dismissed. “Now hurry up and get your resolution in or else you’ll miss it.”

Tobin chuckles a little and says, “ironically, mine is the complete opposite of yours. I resolve to not have any sort of relationship with anyone for the next year. No sex. No dates. No kissing, even. Nada.”

Christen is sure the look on her face is absolutely incredulous. “Why the _fuck_ would you ever do that? I mean, I’ve only been with a few girls, but it’s pretty amazing. Why deny yourself?”

Tobin’s face turns suddenly sober. “Because I’m not with girls for the right reasons,” she admits, shaking her head. “It’s just been meaningless hookups, never anything real. And I know I’m young and I’m supposed to be having fun and being a little wild, but I don’t want just that anymore. Next time I date someone, I want it to be for real. I want something deeper and serious.”

Tobin takes a sip of her champagne and she’s grinning as she pulls her cup away, that drunken slur back in her voice when she says, “I just want to date myself for awhile first. I can buy myself dinner. I can take myself to the movies. And I can sure as hell fuck myself well enough to get through this. I’ll be fine on my own.” Her words may tumble out one after the other, but they’re dripping with confidence.

Christen flushes at the mention of Tobin fucking herself, but she covers it quickly by bringing her cup up to her mouth for a long drink. She hopes Tobin didn’t notice.

Once recovered, Christen clears her throat and says, “I give you less than six months before you break.”

Tobin snorts out a laugh and then laughs even harder at the sound. “Please, I’ll be impressed if I make it _three_ months.”

They’re grinning at each other as they hear the countdown start from up by the pool area.

“Ten!” Everyone shouts.

“Nine,” Christen says softly.

“Eight,” Tobin whispers.

They trade off numbers until they get to zero, until everyone up at the house erupts into cheers of “Happy New Year!”

Christen get a chance to repeat those words, because suddenly Tobin is surging forward. She pauses just before pressing her lips to Christen’s, giving her the chance to back out if she wants. When Christen doesn’t pull away, Tobin closes the short gap and kisses her.

Christen doesn’t know what’s going on. All she knows is this is all she’s ever wanted, even if it doesn’t mean the same thing to Tobin. Because of that, she knows she should stop.

She also knows she _can’t_ stop.

Tobin’s lips are warm against hers, tasting of champagne and the mini candy canes leftover from Christmas that she swiped from Christen’s house. Tobin parts her lips with a smooth swipe of her tongue and suddenly her tongue is in Christen’s mouth, her hands are in Christen’s hair and Christen _still_ doesn’t know what’s happening. She just knows she never wants it to end, so she makes sure to kiss Tobin back for all she’s worth in hopes it will help keep this going as long as possible.

Tobin pulls away after a period of time Christen isn’t sure how to quantify, but she knows it wasn’t long enough.

It could never be enough.

Tobin grins and she’s still so close, Christen can feel her breath on her lips as she speaks.

“I may not have been your first _proper_ kiss with a girl, but you’re going to be my last one for a year.” She waits for a moment and then adds, “or at least for a month. Let’s face it, this is not one of my better resolutions.”

“You think?” Christen laughs.

She’s still a little breathless and hopes it isn’t noticeable how much the kiss affected her. She knows it meant nothing for Tobin, so it shouldn’t mean anything for her either. It wasn’t a real kiss, so she shouldn’t be feeling this warm all over. 

But yet, she does.

She feels like she took a whole bottle of champagne and injected it right into her veins, like the bubbles are circulating through her entire body. She thinks she might float right off the sand and up, up, up into the ink black night sky if she let herself.

She finishes her cup and tries to blame the feeling on that, but she knows she can’t.

So she does her best to ignore it.

“You know,” Tobin says. “Those Portland State girls have actually taught you a thing or two. I’m impressed.”

“Oh whatever,” Christen groans.

She shoves at Tobin’s arm and laughs as she spills some of her champagne on her thigh. Christen tears her eyes away once she realizes she’s following the path of the liquid as it makes its way down the inside of Tobin’s thigh, left bare by her shorts riding up.

“Happy New Year, Chris,” Tobin says once their laughter has stopped.

“Happy New Year, Tobs.”

Christen has to fight the urge to press her fingers to her lips, still tingling from the champagne on Tobin’s tongue. She takes Tobin’s cup from her and finishes off what little’s left after she spilled the rest. As Tobin feigns annoyance that she finished her alcohol, Christen tries to steady her breathing.

She’s nearly successful.

That night, Christen doesn’t sleep for even a second. Tobin’s back is so warm where it’s pressed against Christen’s shoulder. Tobin keeps kicking her legs and mumbling nonsense in her sleep that Christen finds incredibly adorable (even if she will have some bruises on her calf in the morning).

She couldn’t possibly manage to get any sleep in this situation. All she can do is lie there in hopeless agony, her mind running endless circles about her feelings for Tobin and her inability to be honest with her about them.

Yeah, she takes back what she nearly convinced herself of back at the party.

She definitely doesn’t feel this way because of the alcohol she consumed tonight. She’s painfully sober now and her skin in still on fire everywhere Tobin touches hers and her heart _aches_ from everything she feels for her best friend.

She’s in love with Tobin and as it stands, there’s nothing she can do about it.

“Dammit,” Christen mumbles to herself.

She rolls away from Tobin as far as she can and even though she’s nearly hanging off the bed, she still feels too close. She forces her eyes closed and wills herself to fall asleep so her mind will shut the hell up.

But much like her ability to tell Tobin how she feels, she just can’t do it.

xxx

**DECEMBER 31st, 2010**

Two months into her senior year, Christen falls in love.

She told herself she wasn’t going to get into a committed relationship her senior. She didn’t want to be one of those people that tied themselves to another person right before they graduated and then base major life decisions on them. She wanted the freedom to make the best choice for her post-collegiate career on her own, without any outside pressure. 

But then she met Amara.

She’s Italian, in the US on a student visa. She’s kind and strong, beautiful and stubborn, ambitious and probably the smartest person Christen has ever met. She has legs for days, curly brown hair and the deepest caramel colored eyes Christen has ever seen. Her accent makes Christen’s head spin. She could listen to her ramble on and on and on about her Women, Gener, and Sexuality Studies, especially considering how intelligent she is. Amara knows it drives Christen wild when she speaks Italian to her, particularly when she’s whispering sweet nothings in her ear on lazy Sunday mornings or saying what Christen assumes are the filthiest things while they peel each other’s clothes off.

Honestly, Christen never stood a damn chance. 

Christen tells Amara she loves her five weeks into their relationship and even though she tells herself it’s crazy to say it so soon, Amara says it back and Christen feels a little more sane about it all.

She brings Amara home for the holidays. She says it’s because if she doesn’t, Amara will be in Portland all by herself for a whole month and Christen doesn’t want her to be alone. But deep down she knows she would be sick missing her. Christen hates that she’s so attached to her, but she’s never felt like this before. She’s never been loved like this.

She’s nervous about bringing her home, though. Her parents and sisters met Amara when they came up to visit over Thanksgiving, and they all love her. There’s one very important someone in her life who hasn’t met her, though--not in person at least.

Tobin.

They’ve met over facetime and Amara has chimed in on several calls over the past couple months. They get along really well and enjoy ganging up on Christen a little too much. But they’ve never met in person. The weekend Tobin came to visit, Amara was away at a conference and when Christen went up to Seattle, she was busy with exams and Christen convinced her to stay in Portland so she could study.

Christen tells herself she doesn’t need to be nervous. She knows they’ll like each other and wants them to be friends. But they’re the two most important people in her life, so she’s paranoid something will go wrong.

When she’s sitting on a plane to LA holding Amara’s hand two hours after her last final, she knows there’s no going back now.

*************

“I’m a little bit in love with your girlfriend,” Aiden tells her as swims up to her.

He’s throwing a New Year’s Eve party again, but it’s a much smaller crowd this year. So many of their friends from high school have grown apart or didn’t come home for the holidays this year, so it’s much more low key. There are only about 15 people and they’ve taken over the pool house this year. They play music and reminisce and talk about their plans for the future. At one point, Tobin finds Twister on one of the shelves and convinces a few people to play. Amara has never played, but she somehow ends up winning.

It’s one of the best nights Christen has had in a long time. Her stomach hurts from laughing so much. Her cheeks ache from the permanent smile that’s on her face. Her heart is overflowing with the happiness that comes from spending time with loved ones. She’s hardly even drinking because she wants to remember everything.

Her friends get along with Amara better than she ever could have hoped, even Tobin, much to Christen’s delight. Thirty minutes in, it’s like they grew up with her just like everyone else here tonight. They tease each other like they’re old friends. They dance and sing in a shameless kind of way that only comes along with the comfort of lifelong bonds. Christen’s never been as happy as she is when she watches Amara, Tobin and Sierra perform the choreographed routine they put together in barely five minutes. It’s messy and ridiculous, but she’s laughing so hard she can barely catch her breath and Christen knows this is the best night of her life.

About an hour before midnight, someone decides they should go swimming in the pool. They all strip down to their underwear and dive--or in Tobin’s case, cannonball--right in. Being that she’s the most sober out of everyone, Christen designates herself as lifeguard and mostly takes to sitting on the edge of the pool making sure everyone stays safe. And besides, someone had to be on countdown to midnight duty. There’s an outdoor TV that they have the celebrations playing on, but she’s the closest so she’s really the only one who can here. She swore to everyone she would let them know when the countdown started.

So she happily swings her legs in the water, watching her friends have the time of their lives. She just enjoys watching them fool around in their drunken, wild bliss. 

That is until Aiden swims up and crosses his arms over Christen’s knees to help him while he treads water.

“Yeah, you and everyone else,” Christen laughs. She looks over and watches Amara as she throws a foam football to the far end of the pool and then throws up her arms in celebration when one of the guys manages to catch it one handed.

“Oh I’m sure,” he says without a doubt. “Seriously, though. She’s so great. You seem really happy.”

“I am,” Christen hums. She smiles down at him and adds, “I’ve never been so happy.”

He beams up at her. “I can’t tell you how much I love hearing you say that. Even if she isn’t the girl I thought that could make you this happy, I’m glad she is.”

Christen frowns and moves her knees so he slides off, catching him off guard enough that he falls under the surface before bobbing back up. “Stop it,” she warns. She’s having the best time and she doesn’t want to deal with what he’s implying. For the first time in her life she’s not being tormented by her feelings for her best friend. She doesn’t want him to ruin it.

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” he explains, pushing his wet hair out of his face. “I just meant you had me worried there for a while that you weren’t ever going to be happy like this as long as you were hung up on you-know-who. I’m glad to see you’ve been able to find happiness elsewhere. Amara is good for you.”

Christen tries to bite back her annoyance as she says, “she isn’t just some detour on my way to something better. I’m not with her just because I can’t be with someone else. I love her so much. I think I could--” She cuts herself off because saying she could see herself marrying someone she’s only been with for three months is insane by any standard. “I love her,” she finishes with instead.

Aiden holds his hands up in surrender. “Whoa, whoa, I know that. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. I’m sorry, I’m drunk and not making sense.” He scratches at the back of his neck, taking the time to choose his neck words carefully. “I’m happy you’re so happy, okay? Let’s just leave it at that.”

She knows he has more to say, but she definitely does _not_ want to hear it. She is happy and that’s all that matters to her right now. That’s all that’s important.

Luckily, Tobin comes swimming up and dunks Aiden under the water before either of them can say anything else. “Beat it, nerd,” she says when he pops back up. “We have resolutions to make and you aren’t invited.”

“Oh come on, can’t I join the cool kids this year? I have resolutions too, you know?” Aiden complains, splashing water in Tobin’s direction.

“No way, hell no. We’re not breaking tradition,” Tobin tells him as she pulls herself out of the water and sits on the edge of the pool next to Christen.

“Fine, fine, be that way,” he pouts. “You two kids have fun.” He sinks back under the water and kicking off the side of the pool back towards the rest of the group.

Tobin laughs as she watches him pull one of their friends under water, causing everyone else to howl at the shock on their face when they resurface. “Tonight is such a good night,” she muses. “We all graduate in the spring and will go our separate ways. Who knows the next time we’ll all be together? I’m really happy we could do this.”

“Me too,” Christen agrees.

She watches her friends and looks for Amara in the crowd. She finds her just as Amara looks over at her. Amara winks and shoots her a kiss, which causes Christen to grin.

Tobin is watching the interaction when she says, “and I’m even happier that you’re so happy. That girlfriend of yours is something else.”

“Yeah? You really think so?” She manages to pull her eyes away from aforementioned girlfriend and turns to look at her best friend. 

“Of course I do! I’d be crazy not to.” She tilts her head, looking at Christen curiously and asks. “What, did you really think I wouldn’t?”

“It’s not that I truly believed you wouldn’t. I was just worried about what it would mean if you didn’t. You’re my best friend, I need you to like her. Because if you don’t, then there has to be something I’m missing. I trust you too much not to take your opinion of her seriously,” she admits.

Tobin’s still looking at her with a curious expression, like she’s trying to figure out something Christen isn’t actually saying. But Christen thinks she’s being totally honest with her, so she isn’t sure why Tobin’s brow is furrowed like there’s something she’s missing.

“You really love her, don’t you?”

Something about the question feels weighted. She says it like she’s just genuinely curious, but Christen gets the feeling there’s something veiled behind it that she can’t quite figure out.

“Yeah, I really do. So much I can’t breathe sometimes.”

Tobin gives her a smile that looks forced. She drops her eyes to watch as she pushes the puddle of water by her leg across the cement. She's being uncharacteristically quiet, but Christen isn't sure why. 

"Are you okay?" Christen asks carefully, not sure what caused the sudden change in mood. 

Tobin scoffs like she isn't sure why Christen is even asking that. "Yeah, I'm good. Everything is good. I'm happy you're happy. You love her. She loves you. She makes you laugh. Everything is good."

Tobin still won't meet her eyes and her words are stilted. Christen doesn't agree that everything is good, but it takes a few more tension filled moments of watching Tobin draw patterns in the water that she thinks she figures out what's going on. 

"Tobin, are you…jealous?"

The word feels bitter on her tongue. It's crazy to even ask her this. Tobin would have no reason to be jealous. They're just friends. Christen might have had feelings for her for years, feelings that she's finally managed to get over, but Tobin has never felt the same way. She would know if she did. Tobin has never been interested in her. So why would she be jealous of her girlfriend?

This is crazy. 

Right? 

"What? No!" Tobin laughs, but it's a nervous one. "No way, I just…no," she rushes out. 

Christen doesn't know if she believes her, but she's too afraid to challenge her on it. She can't go there. Not when she’s finally getting past it. “Okay, then what’s wrong?”

She glances over her shoulder and sees they only have four minutes until midnight, but this is important. They can rush through their resolutions if they need to. Christen wants to figure this out. She doesn’t want to ring in the new year being in this awkward place with her best friend.

Tobin checks the time on the TV as well and sighs, evidently coming to the same conclusion as Christen. They have to figure this out and fast, which means she needs to be honest. Which is ironic considering Christen could never be truly honest with Tobin and now she’s pushing Tobin to be honest with her. She’s being a hypocrite, but she justifies it by telling herself whatever Tobin is keeping bottled up can’t possibly be as huge and friendship ruining as having feelings for her.

“I just…I’m resigning myself to the fact I’m not longer your favorite person,” Tobin admits quietly, finally bringing her eyes up to Christen. “And that’s okay because Amara is kind, funny, beautiful, smart, ridiculously hot and everything else I could ever want for you in a partner. She deserves to be your favorite person. But I guess selfishly, I’m just a little bummed to give up the title.”

Christen’s heart aches. If she had heard Tobin say something like that at any point in the last 13 years, she knows she would’ve blurted out her feelings. She’s kept them bottled inside for so long, but the sad expression on Tobin’s face right now would’ve broken her. She wouldn’t have had any choice but to finally come clean as long as she was able to reassure Tobin just how important to her she is.

But that was before she fell in love with Amara. She knows her feelings for Tobin are still there, probably always will be, but they’re quieter than they’ve ever been. She’s happy and in love with the most amazing woman and she isn’t quite sure what she did to get so lucky, but she knows she can’t screw it up. After being miserable for so long, plagued by her hidden feelings, she’s finally loved the way she’s always wanted to be by an incredible girl. She deserves this and she owes it to herself to not let anything get in the way. Who knows what will happen in the future, but right now she’s with Amara and that’s all that matters.

So instead of finally admitting to Tobin what’s she’s kept bottled up for so long, she needs to ease Tobin’s worries another way.

“Tobin, you are my _best_ friend. You’re one of the most important people in my life. Nothing is ever going to change that,” she says, trying to be as convincing as possible. “Yes, I’m with Amara now and she’s incredibly important to be too, but she isn’t replacing you. I can have you as my best friend and her as my girlfriend. Her importance to me doesn’t lessen yours.”

Tobin swallows hard, her eyes bouncing between Christen’s. She opens her mouth to say something, but clamps it shut just as quickly. She swallows again before finally saying, “thank you. I really needed to hear that. I know I’m being whiney.”

“You aren’t,” Christen assures her. 

Tobin gives her a sad smile and Christen swears she’s about to say something, but then one of their friends shouts, “one minute ‘til midnight!”

Christen and Tobin both whip their heads towards the TV and realize they’re right. There are only 57 seconds left in the year.

“Shit okay, this has to be fast,” Tobin says. “I resolve to work my ass off for whatever team I get drafted to and win Rookie of the Year. I know it’s a long shot and there’s such a deep draft pool this year, but I know I can do it.”

“You will do it! I know you can. You’re a great player and I know wherever you end up you’ll kill it, no question. And I also know you really want to stay in Seattle, so I really hope you get drafted there.”

Tobin beams at the praise, but only for a second. “Okay now do yours, hurry!”

“Ahh, fuck okay.”

Truth is, she hadn’t officially settled on a resolution yet. She had a few she was bouncing around between, but hadn’t decided exactly which one she wanted to pick. She can only pick one, that’s always been their rule. But it isn’t until this moment she knows which one she wants to choose.

“I resolve to use my head, but listen to my heard this year. There are so many big decisions coming up with graduation and job applications and trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. I’m terrified of choosing the wrong things, but I know my heart will lead me in the right direction. I’ve always listened to my head over anything else, but this year just feels different.”

It’s pretty much the complete opposite of what she’s always planned to do her final year in college. She planned to tell her heart to shut up and only make logical, well thought out decisions. But then she let go and let herself be open to the possibilities life has to offer and it led her to Amara. She needs to let herself loosen up and be a little more free. By listening to her heart, she doesn’t mean to just follow Amara wherever she ends up. She isn’t just listening to her heart for love. She wants to do what _feels_ right, but just what her brain tells her should be right.

She has no idea if this will work out the way she’s hoping, but she figures she’s young and has plenty of time to work things out if she makes a wrong choice. For the first time in her life, she’s loved so well she has the confidence to take a step back and not insist on controlling every single aspect of her life. She’s open to letting things come to her in their own time and only going after the things she can manage. The rest will work itself out.

Tobin almost has that sad smile on her face again, but Christen doesn’t get the chance to ask what it’s about before their friends shout, “ten!” They join in on the countdown, trading off numbers as they both slip into the pool again to join the group. When they reach the end, they all exclaim, “Happy New Year!” And they start splashing so much water the pool is going to be half empty by the end of it, but they’re having so much fun no one cares.

“Happy New Year, Chris,” Tobin says once things have settled down a little.

“Happy Ne--” Christen gets cut off as she’s spun around in the water. She only has a second to register it’s Amara before she’s being pulled into a deep kiss.

“Happy New Year, bella,” Amara tells her when she pulls away breathless.

“Happy New Year,” Christen grins, letting herself be kissed again.

When she pulls away, she looks over her shoulder so she can finish telling Tobin ‘Happy New Year’ like they do every year. When she turns around though, she sees Tobin is already gone, lost in the mass of friends celebrating the end of another year.

There’s a pang in her stomach at the thought of their tradition being somewhat broken, but there’s a warm hand on her lower back and lips brushing her ear that distract her from dwelling on that too long.

“We should go back to your house. I want to celebrate properly,” Amara whispers, nipping at her ear lobe.

It sends a shiver down Christen’s spine and she knows she’s powerless. “Let’s go,” she agrees.

She was so focused on reassuring Tobin nothing had changed she realizes now she didn’t take the time to reassure herself of it too. But she tells herself this is normal. They’re getting older and they’re growing up, but it doesn’t mean they’re growing apart. Just because they form other relationships, it doesn’t take away the significance of theirs.

When she hugs Tobin goodbye and her best friend squeezes her tight for a few seconds longer than usual, she believes it.

Tobin _is_ her best friend. Nothing can ever change that.

xxx

**DECEMBER 31st, 2012**

"Christen? Where are you?"

Tobin's voice cuts through the raucous party going on downstairs. She knocks on a door down the hall, then another, calling her name again. 

Instead of responding, Christen just slips deeper into the water until the bubbles are tickling her chin. She doesn't want to see anyone right now, especially Tobin. Her best friend will make her talk about her feelings and she doesn't want that. She just wants to be miserable and sit here in the bubble bath, fully clothed in Tobin's teammate's bathroom and sulk all night. 

Christen and Amara got into a fight. That's been happening more often lately. It's always over something stupid, forgetting to answer a text while the other is busy with work, getting the take out order slightly wrong, forgetting a single item on the grocery list. Before they would've brushed silly things like that off, but now it's like the end of the world. Christen doesn't pretend like she doesn't know why. 

Amara isn't happy in Seattle. She hates the weather and doesn't like being nine time zones away from her family in Italy. She's from a small, quiet village so Seattle is much too big of a city for her liking. She's convinced her boss hates her. And lastly, she thinks Tobin is in love with Christen. 

Considering Christen is the one who's been hiding her feelings for Tobin, she can't believe Amara suspects the opposite. She would be amused by the irony if she weren't so convinced it wasn't true. But Amara's jealous streak runs deep and Christen isn't a fan. She does her best to convince Amara she has nothing to worry about, but nothing works for long. And once Amara latches onto an idea, there's no letting it go. 

That's what their fight was about tonight. Amara was tired and wanted to leave the party early so she wanted Christen to come home with her. Christen didn't want to leave, though. She explained it's her favorite holiday. She promised she would head home at exactly 12:01am. She told her to go home and take a nap and she would bring back confetti poppers, champagne and food from their favorite 24 hour Chinese restaurant so they could have their own celebration later. She said she has a tradition with Tobin and doesn't want to miss it. 

That's what sets Amara off. She had almost been convinced to happily leave without Christen, but the mention of Tobin's name undid all that. 

"So you're choosing her over me? _Again_?" Amara had accused her. 

Christen actually had to bite back a laugh because she couldn't believe how ridiculous this is. It's been nearly six months of this and she's had enough. 

"If you're going to keep acting like this, then yeah. I'd sure as hell rather be around her than you right now," she hurled back. 

She regretted it the moment the words left her mouth. She didn't mean them. Well, maybe she did, but she didn't mean it as harshly as she said. She was just frustrated. She looks forward to this night every year and she wanted to spend it with her girlfriend and her best friend. She didn't want to have to choose between them. 

She loves Amara and of _course_ she wants to spend the night with her, but not when she's being jealous and bitter. She doesn't like being around her when she's like this. They're adults and she doesn't have time for this high school level drama. She's done everything she can to convince Amara that Tobin isn't an issue and nothing works. She's sick of it. 

Amara's eyes burned after hearing Christen’s words. She sweared in Italian and squared her shoulders like she was preparing for a fight of epics proportions, but then she just shook her head and let her shoulders fall again. "I'm going home. I think you should find somewhere else to sleep tonight. Maybe _Tobin_ will let you share her bed." Her tone was biting, but her stance was defeated. She was clearly just as tired as Christen is about all of this. 

She turned and left before Christen could say anything else, which was good because honestly Christen didn't even know what she could have said. 

Christen didn't want to cry in front of everyone at the party, was embarrassed that the few people in the kitchen had even heard their argument, so she fled upstairs quickly. They aren't supposed to go upstairs, but Tobin's best friend on the Seattle Reign, Gaby, loves Christen so she thinks she can get away with it. She locks herself in the guest bathroom and slumps against the door to cry.

She hates how bad things have gotten with Amara. She loves her more than anything, has been thinking about them getting married more than she wants to admit right now when she's pissed at her. Things used to be _so_ good between them. She'd never been happier in her life. But now, she doesn't know if they'll ever recover. 

She curls up on the floor and cries until she can't anymore. Her head it pounding and her cheeks are raw from wiping away so many tears. She feels miserable and just wants to go home, but she can't. 

Instead she pushes herself off the floor and walks over the the bathtub. She turns on the water and adds too many bubbles, determined to wash away the pain of tonight. She slips off her dress, but leaves her bra and underwear on, worried about one of the countless people downstairs maybe stumbling in and finding her naked. 

When she eases herself down into the hot water, she instantly feels comforted. The heat and the lavender scented bubbles ease her aching heart as much as anything will tonight. She lays her head back on the edge of the tub and closes her eyes, wanting to escape her thoughts for just a few minutes. 

She's lulled into a sense of calm, bordering on sleep, when she hears Tobin calling for her from the hall. 

Christen still ignores her, not knowing what she can even say. She just wants to be alone right now. 

Tobin finally knocks on the bathroom door. "Chris? Are you in here?" When she doesn't hear a response she adds, "I can see the light on under the door. I know you're in there."

Christen sighs, knowing she can't get out of this. She doesn't want to lie to Tobin and hurt her feelings. She's hurt enough feelings tonight. 

"I'm fine," Christen says. "Just go away, I'll find you later for resolutions."

"Later is now. We only have 15 minutes. Will you please let me in?" Her tone is gentle, like she knows Christen is upset. 

Christen has a sinking feeling that someone told Tobin her fight with Amara was about her. She hasn't told her Amara suspects Tobin has feelings for. It was never worth bringing up because it isn't true. 

"Tobin, I'm fine. I'll come downstairs in a minute," she tries again. 

Tobin doesn't say anything, but a few seconds later there's a clicking noise from the door and then it swings open. Tobin holds up the little plastic emergency key and smiles before putting it back up on the doorframe. She walks into the room, but locks the door again before leaning back against it and crossing her arms, a wine bottle held in one hand.

"What?" Christen asks, exasperated when Tobin just stands there and doesn't say anything. 

"I heard Amara left. Gaby said she saw you fighting, but no one's sure what happened. Do you want to talk about it?"

Christen shakes her head. She doesn't have the energy to talk about anything right now. 

"Do you want to tell me why you're in the bathtub at least?" She asks with a cooked eyebrow, her teasing tone trying to make Christen crack a smile. 

"I was cold," Christen huffs. 

"You couldn't have put on a jacket instead?" Tobin laughs. 

"Nope."

Tobin lets a few more quiet seconds pass before she pushes herself off the door and walks towards the tub. "Mind if I join you?" She's already kicking off her shoes before she waits for a response. She takes her phone and a corkscrew out of her pockets and lays them next to her shoes.

"Whatever," Christen shrugs. 

Tobin laughs again and swings a leg over the edge, settling into the water without taking her clothes off. 

"Tobin, what are you doing?" She exclaims, managing a small laugh as Tobin relaxes back against the opposite end of the tub without a care in the world that her jeans and button up are now drenched. 

"Trying to make you laugh," she says like it should be obvious. "It worked." The grin on her face is nothing but cocky. 

"You're insane," Christen scoffs, annoyed at herself for giving Tobin what she wanted. She's supposed to be wallowing in self pity. 

"And you're sad."

Christen settles her with a look that tells her not to push, but she knows Tobin well enough to know she isn't going to push at least a little bit. 

Tobin reaches for the corkscrew and works on uncorking the wine bottle. "Look, you don't have to tell me everything, but I'm here if you want to talk about it. Even if it's just a little bit."

Christen shakes her head, unsure what she really wants to do. Tobin has a way of making her face things she thinks she isn't ready for. Well, some things at least. 

She can't tell her about Amara's unsubstantiated theory that Tobin is in love with her, she isn't ready to delve into that and would happily avoid _never_ being ready for that. But she's hurting and Tobin is her best friend. Maybe she can at least open up about some of it. 

"Amara hates Seattle. She isn't happy here and it's really straining things between us," Christen admits. 

Tobin nods, taking in the information. She takes a long pull from the wine bottle and then hands it to Christen. "I'm not going to lie to you, I've definitely noticed. You two haven't seemed like yourselves lately, not when you're together at least."

Christen takes the bottle and drinks. "I just don't know how to help her,” she says when she pulls the bottle away from her lips, handing it back to Tobin. “She doesn't want to be here and I don't want to go, but I don't want to lose her either. I don't know if I can have it both ways, though. Not anymore."

It's the first time she's said that aloud. She's thought about it multiple times, but she never wanted to actually say it. Saying it makes it real. It's out there now. She can't take it back. 

“She stayed here for me,” she continues. “She always planned on going back to Italy after graduation, but she got her green card so she could stay here with me. I feel guilty that she’s so miserable when I’m the only reason she’s still around. It’s like I owe it to her to move somewhere else because it’s exactly what she did for me. But I don’t _want_ to leave.”

“Yeah but Chris, _she_ chose to stay. Maybe you factored into her decision, but ultimately it’s up to her. You can’t hold yourself accountable for a decision she made. That isn’t fair.”

“I know,” Christen sighs. She doesn’t know what else to say.

“Look, I wish I could say something to make this all better, but I think this is something you have to figure out on your own,” Tobin tells her. “The only advice I can think to give is figure out why you’re so determined to stay in Seattle, you know? She wants to leave and I’m sure she knows why, but what’s keeping you here? Once you figure out what that is, decide if it’s more important to you than making things work with Amara somewhere else.”

Tobin has a point. Christen isn’t sure why she’s so set on not leaving Seattle. It’s not like she’s hopelessly in love with the city or anything. She likes it here, sure, but it isn’t her favorite place in the world. She likes her job, is happy with it and gets along with her coworkers, but she knows she won’t be there forever. She even agrees with Amara about the weather. It’s not always bad, but she misses the constant sun and warmth of LA. 

So what is it that’s keeping her here?

When Tobin’s foot nudges her ankle and she looks up to see she’s giving her the softest smile Christen has ever seen, she realizes she might not want to figure that out.

Because figuring it out might mean admitting Amara is right.

And that would be crazy.

She takes the bottle back from Tobin even though she hasn’t actually taken her turn drinking it yet. She needs it more than Tobin does right now.

“I’ll think about that,” Christen says, effectively ending the conversation. She takes another drink before she hands the bottle back. “All right, resolution time. Let’s go.”

“Nice dodge,” Tobin laughs. “All right, lets see…” she hums. “I resolve to get my first call up to the national team this season. I’m so close, right there on the edge. They’ve told me they’re watching me and I know I can put in the work to make it happen.”

“I know you can, too,” Christen says. “You’re so good. And besides, your past soccer related resolutions have always come true, so I’m sure this one is no different.” 

Tobin has always been so good at achieving her resolutions. She did make the U-11 team like she wanted when they were kids and she was far and away the Rookie of the Year her first season. She even managed to go celibate for an entire year, despite them both seriously doubting she could do it. Maybe she’s more disciplined or she’s just able to pick more manageable resolutions, but she always follows through. It’s something Christen has been jealous of for years.

“Yeah you have a good point, I always rock my resolutions. You should step up your game,” Tobin teases.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Christen rolls her eyes, barely waiting for Tobin to finish taking a drink before reaching for the bottle, but unfortunately she fumbles it and the bottle splashes into the water. “Shit!”

They both scramble for the bottle, but with the water and the bubbles and both of their frantic hands reaching, almost all the liquid is in the tub by the time Tobin is finally able to pull it back above the surface. The water between them has turned a bright pink color and they’re both laughing.

Christen gasps, “oh fuck, your clothes! Get out, they’ll probably stain.”

Tobin just keeps laughing. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine. If you wouldn’t have been so impatient, this wouldn’t have happened.” 

“Not my fault you were taking too long.”

Tobin rolls her eyes and then chances a sip out of the bottle, but immediately spits it back into the tub. “Eww, no. That’s definitely 75% bubbles.”

“Gross, Tobin! You just spit into the water we’re both sitting in,” Christen complains, pulling her legs up to her chest so she’s as far away from Tobin as possible.

“Yeah, well you spilled wine and probably just stained my clothes, so now we’re even.”

Christen shakes her head at her, watching as her whole face lights up with a teasing smile. Christen realizes this is the first time she’s laughed all night, even before her fight with Amara. Things already felt so uneasy on the Uber ride over that she wasn’t even enjoying the party before their argument. But now her chest rumbles with laughter and she feels so much lighter.

Of course only Tobin would be able to cause this.

Tobin checks her phone and says, “two more minutes. What’s your resolution?”

“I resolve to be happy,” Christen says on a whim. Her original resolution had been about getting a promotion at work, but all of a sudden that doesn’t feel like it’s enough anymore. “I know that’s broad and vague and probably seems a bit like a cop out, but I think it’s what I need. This year has been tough in a lot of ways and I want this next year to be different. I want it to be better. So my happiness is always going to be the goal. In all decisions, in all aspects, I’m always going to be striving to be happy.”

“I don’t think that’s a cop out.” Tobin reaches for Christen’s hand where it’s resting on the edge of the tub. Tobin’s fingers are pruned from the water, but she holds her hand anyway. “I think that’s one of your best resolutions yet. You always deserve to be happy. There’s nothing I want more for you in the world.”

Christen’s heart clenches at that. Tobin somehow always manages to say exactly what Christen needs to hear exactly when it needs to be said. She knows her better than anyone and it’s like she doesn’t even try. She just listens and pays attention more than anyone else. Christen knows she’ll never find another person like her in her whole life.

“Thank you,” she whispers, knowing if she tries to speak any louder her voice will be shaky. She really doesn’t want to start crying again.

Tobin squeezes her hand and then lets go. She spends the next 30 seconds or so applying the bubbles to her face to make a beard like she hasn’t done since she was a child. Christen has a sneaking suspicion she’s only doing it to make her laugh, but it works so she doesn’t call her out for it. 

They hear the countdown start downstairs and they both join in, trading off numbers like they always do until the reach the end and the whole house feels like it shakes as everyone shouts below them.

“Happy New Year’s, Tobin.”

“Happy New Year’s, Chris.” Tobin squeezes her hand again and then pushes herself out of the water. “I should go find Tess.”

Tess is the girl Tobin has been casually, but exclusively seeing for a couple months now. She’s in law school and is constantly studying or assisting on cases at the firm where she’s shadowing so she told Tobin she didn’t want anything serious, but she was the only person she wanted to be with. Christen thinks Tobin is in love with her, though she won’t admit it.

Christen likes Tess, she does. She just wishes Tobin would be with someone who could give her everything she needs. The casual relationship would’ve been on brand for Tobin a few years ago, but she’s grown up lately and Christen knows she wants something more.

But Tobin is happy, so she doesn’t say anything. Christen’s resolution is all about her own happiness, so she won’t deny Tobin hers.

“Go find your girl. I’m going to stay here a few more minutes and then I think I’ll head home.”

“You sure? You can come stay at my place tonight.”

Christen considers it, but staying at Tobin’s after Amara threw it in her face would be petty. Granted Tobin’s is the most logical place for her to go, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Amara told her not to come home, but Christen knows she has to. She’ll sleep on the couch tonight, but she needs to be there in the morning. If she wants to fix things with her girlfriend, she needs to show her she isn’t going anywhere.

“I’m sure,” Christen confirms. “Thank you, though.”

“Any time.” Tobin takes a towel out of the cabinet and dries herself off as best she can, but she needs a new change of clothes. “I’m going to steal some new clothes from Gaby. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Of course, talk to you tomorrow.”

Tobin leans down and kisses Christen’s cheek before she leaves. “Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. I promise.”

Christen pretends she doesn’t feel Tobin’s lips lingering on her skin long after she’s left the room.

xxx

**DECEMBER 31st, 2013**

"Oh my god, this is insane!"

Christen spins around in a slow circle, taking in all the lights, the people, the noise, the _chaos_ that is New Year's Eve in New York City. 

The trip was Tobin's idea. She said it was about time they spent their favorite holiday ever in the city famous for its celebration. Christen had needed little convincing. A trip with Tobin isn't something she would ever actually turn down, especially one that involved an epic celebration of her favorite day of the year, but she still gave Tobin a hard time and made her work for it. Tobin literally put together a powerpoint presentation on the reasons they should go. Although, the first slide just said "because I'm going" and the second said "because it will be awesome" and then the next three slides were just collages of pictures she pulled from the internet of past celebrations in Times Square. Christen appreciated the effort, though. 

So on December 30th, they catch a flight to New York. They would've left earlier, but Tobin said she wanted Christen to get to celebrate her birthday with her family first. Christen didn't tell her the only person she really cared about celebrating her birthday with was Tobin and spending it in New York with only her would've been her ideal scenario. 

Christen and Amara broke up last spring. They made a good run of it, but things just became too strained at the end. Amara didn't like living in Seattle and Christen didn't want to leave. They cared for each other, but as they grew up they grew apart. And that was okay, even if it did break their hearts. 

She hasn't dated anyone else since. She's been asked out a couple times and considered saying 'yes' once, but she couldn't bring herself to go through with it. It's not that she wasn't over Amara, she was. Admittedly, that had only taken a few weeks. They were distant enough at the end, she had already started to get over her before they even broke up. 

The real reason is because a month after Christen and Amara break up, Tobin breaks up with Tess. 

Both of them being single for the first time in a years means Christen's feelings for her come roaring back. There are no girlfriends to her hamper her feelings down for, nothing to justify making herself pushing them aside. So she lets herself feel it. 

For the first time in five years, Christen lets herself be overcome by her feelings for Tobin. She thinks she loves her more now than she ever has. 

Now that they're both single, Tobin essentially moves into her place. They cook dinner together almost every night, binge watch Netflix series and forbid the other one from watching without them, sleep in the same bed, Tobin even takes over one of the dresser drawers Amara left empty. In almost every sense of the word, they're practically dating.

Except in the ways Christen wants the most.

Tobin will lay her head in Christen's lap when they watch TV or hook her leg around Christen's while they sleep or hug her a beat too long every chance she gets, but that's all the affection there is. Christen lies awake some nights imagining all the things she wants to do to Tobin, all the things she wants Tobin to do to her. It's maddening, but Christen lets herself get away with it. They're both single, so she no longer feels guilty about it. There's no harm in indulging herself a bit. 

But after so many months of it, she can't stand it anymore. 

She's going to tell Tobin she loves her. 

Tonight. 

She's thought about it over and over, imagined every possible outcome there is from the very best to the absolute worse. She's talked herself out of it and back into it more times than she can count, but ultimately she knows it's time. She's been holding onto this for so long and she has to let it out and will just deal with the consequences. 

She knows their friendship is strong enough that even if Tobin doesn't feel the same way, they'll work through it. Things may change, Tobin will probably go live at her place again and give Christen space to get over it, but they'll be okay. Whether she 100% believes that or not is yet to be seen, but she tells herself she does. She has to. 

"Have you ever seen something so beautiful?" Tobin asks her. 

Christen turns and just barely catches Tobin pulling her eyes away from her to look up at the skyscrapers lit up like infinite stars. She has the biggest smile on her face and Christen wants to see that smile for the rest of her life. It takes everything in her not to kiss her right then and there, but she manages to refrain. 

She's going to tell her at midnight, she's decided. It's cheesy and cliche, but it's also big and romantic. Christen figures she better go big or go home. Telling her at midnight is the only scenario powerful enough she can think of to really communicate how much she loves her. They both believe in the magic, the possibility that comes along when the clock strikes midnight. It's the perfect moment for it, the only moment really. 

She just hopes Tobin says it back. 

It's cold tonight, colder than Christen thinks she's ever experienced living on the west coast all her life. They're bundled up in countless layers and Christen has a little difficulty moving her limbs, but she's as happy as can be. She feels like a child walking through Disneyland for the first time. Her eyes are wide and full of wonder as she takes in her surroundings. It's utter chaos, honestly, and usually something like this would have her anxiety on high alert, but instead she just feels excited. All these people are here to celebrate her favorite night of the whole year and whether they love it like she does or not, it doesn't matter. They're still here and so for the next few hours, they're all Christen's friends. 

They aren't able to get as close as they'd like to the actual ball drop, but they can see it in the distance and there are digital billboards with it projected all around them so it's okay. They dance to the performers and take bets on how many people they think are here. They befriend a couple from Ireland in the crowd next to them who hand them each a pair of the giant, tacky '2013' glasses. They take selfies with the glasses on and a couple with them off. Christen thinks this just might be the best might of her life. She hopes it's only about to get better. 

The night seems to stretch on forever. The anticipation of what's to come almost kills her, but when the time finally rolls around for them to share their resolutions, Christen thinks she might be sick. Her stomach is in knots when Tobin takes her hand and draws her attention back towards her. 

"Resolution time. You want to go first?"

"Yeah, okay," Christen nods, hoping she doesn't appear as nervous as she feels.

She considers abandoning her original plan of waiting until midnight and just telling her now. She's spent 16 years secretly being in love with her best friend, she isn't sure she can wait another second longer, but she figures out how.

“I resolve to take more chances this year,” Christen says, knowing she’s about to take the biggest chance of her life. “I’ve been playing it safe for too long. I want to put myself out there, shake things up. I think it’ll be good for me.”

“Cheers to that,” Tobin grins, clinking her tiny plastic champagne bottle against Christen’s. “I resolve to not be so hard on myself this year. I always put so much unnecessary pressure on my shoulder that just makes things even harder. I want to cut myself a break every now and then and not be so worried with how things turn out. I’ll do the best I can, and accept that it is either enough or it isn’t. And if it isn’t, then that’s okay.”

“I love that,” Christen muses. “You know, I think these are the most grown up resolutions we’ve ever made.”

“Look at that, I think you’re right,” Tobin laughs.

They dance and enjoy themselves during one final song before the countdown starts. With every second that passes, Christen expects her nerves to multiply, but for some reason they start to dwindle. She looks at Tobin’s smile and her heart beat slows. She listens to her singing along off key and her shoulders loosen. She feels Tobin’s hip knock against her out of time with the song and the butterflies in her stomach flutter away.

She’s about to do the biggest, scariest thing in her entire life and surprisingly, she feels nothing but total and utter calm. 

She can do this.

The countdown starts and they face each other.

10 seconds.

Tobin smiles widely at her.

8 seconds.

Christen pushes hair behind her ear, not wanting to missing seeing a moment of what comes next.

5 seconds.

Even though the volume of everything going on around them is increasing by the second, everything starts to go quiet in Christen’s head.

3 seconds.

Christen takes a deep breath, knowing this is it.

1 second.

Confetti cannons explode. Fireworks go off. Auld Lang Syne starts roaring around Times Square.

Here goes nothing.

“Tobin, I love you.”

There’s a moment where Tobin just stares at her wide eyed, her smile slowly dropping from her face. “What?” She asks after a moment.

“I love you,” Christen says again. “I’m in love with you. I have been for years. I never said anything because I was scared, but my resolution this year is about taking chances so I’m starting right away. I’m in love with you and I know this has the potential to ruin everything, but I can’t go another day without you knowing.”

The nerves are back now that it’s finally out there. She watches Tobin’s face as she processes what she just said. She isn’t able to discern her emotions. It’s like her facial muscles aren’t sure which emotion they’re supposed to convey because her brain is sending too many mixed signals. The silent seconds pass on and Christen thinks she might throw up. 

This was stupid, so stupid. How could she have ever convinced herself this was a good idea? She never should’ve done this. Dammit.

Christen drops her eyes from Tobin’s face. She can’t bear to look at her a second longer.

But then she finally says something.

“That was supposed to be my line.”

Christen’s eyes shoot back up. She sees the nervous smile on Tobin’s face, but she swears she had to have misheard her.

“What?” She asks, unable to form more than the single word right now.

“Chris, I planned this whole trip for us because I wanted to tell you _I’m_ in love with _you_.”

Christen’s heart stops beating entirely. The sound around them comes roaring back in her ears and she suddenly doesn’t remember how to breathe.

“ _What_?” She asks again. In all the scenarios the made up in her head about how this would go, this wasn’t one of them.

Tobin reaches up and places a gloved hand on Christen’s face. “ _I love you_ ,” Tobin says, emphasizing every word so maybe this time it sinks in. “I love you so much I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve loved you for a long time, but I never knew how to say it. You’re the most beautiful, amazing, kindhearted woman I’ve ever met. And I don’t know what I did to deserve having you in my life, but falling in love with you has been the scariest, most thrilling thing I’ve ever done. Telling you needed to be big. It needed to be epic and romantic and deserving of a woman like you. So I planned this trip and I brought you to the epicenter of our favorite day of the year and I knew exactly how this was going to go in my head, but then you decided to ruin it by saying it first.”

Christen can only laugh as she reaches out to wrap her arms around Tobin’s waist and pull her closer. “Did I really ruin things though, if we both got what we wanted?”

“I guess not,” Tobin says with an exasperated laugh. “You love me?” There’s a hopeful, nervous tone in her voice and Christen knows there’s only one thing that can make it better.

“Yeah, I really love you. And you love me,” she grins.

“More than you could ever know.”

“It’s about damn time.”

Christen leans in and kisses Tobin. She knows the fireworks going off aren’t specifically for them, but they should be. Kissing Tobin, for real this time, is the culmination of everything she’s ever wanted in her life. It’s soft and slow until it isn’t, until Tobin’s parting her lips with her tongue. She kisses her deeply and Christen doesn’t even care they’re full on making out in front of thousands of people. In this moment it’s just the two of them. They’re all that matters and she doesn’t care about anything else.

Tobin loves her. Tobin is kissing her. This is the one thing she’s wanted for the last 16 years and she’ll be damned if she’s going to let the fact they’re in public ruin this for her.

It’s no wonder none of their past relationships have worked out. It’s no wonder she moved to Seattle after graduation without a second thought. It’s no wonder she didn’t want to leave. It’s no wonder Tobin reused a trade earlier this season and claimed it was just because she didn’t want to leave the city.

It was always supposed to be Christen and Tobin.

They only pull apart when they literally can’t breathe, but they keep each other close. There’s no way Christen is ever letting her go again.

“I love you,” Christen says. Now that it’s out there, she doesn’t know if she’ll every be able to stop saying it.

The grin Tobin gives her tells her she doesn’t mind. “I love you too.”

Christen kisses her again, briefly this time because she’s still trying to catch her breath.

“Happy New Year, Chris.”

“Happy New Year, Tobin.”

Something tells her this is going to be the best year yet.


End file.
